My Mommy Guilt and I

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@alexharvey unsplash.com

This is my face at 2pm everyday.

Then, again at 10pm.

You guessed it.

I’m waiting for my little toddler to drift off to sleep so that I can write, think and actually take a shower.

See those wrinkles?

They are evidence that something needs to give here.

Oh little one. I love you.

But, I can’t wait for these hours when you fall asleep. I can make my coffee, sit in front of my computer, bang on my keyboard and make that much needed money for our livelihood.

Mommy’s sorry for the eye rolling, the frawn and the impatient, “please, please, just go to sleep already!”.

Mommy’s sorry for walking away to take a moment while you lie in bed wide awake at 11pm.

Mommy’s most sorry for yelling at you around midnight when you just won’t settle down after 2 hours of waiting, reading and patiently rubbing your forehead.

Mommy just wants the best for you.

You need your sleep to be the super powered-up torpedo that you are during the day.

Mommy needs her 6 hours of sleep to still be able to drive you to that play-space that you love.

Mommy needs to work.

If it’s as simple as putting you back in daycare, mommy would do it in a second. But you didn’t like it. Even the best ones seem to traumatize you.

Mommy needs to squeeze out at least 4 hours each day to work to make a living here.

Mommy tried everything:

  • camomile tea

Mommy just draw the line at putting melatonin in your cup, even when everyone suggests that I should.

Mommy knows that it’s hard for you:

It’s hard for you to wind down.

It’s especially hard for you when you function at 100 miles an hour during the day.

It’s especially hard for you when I can’t carry you and sooth you with that rocking motion that you love.

It’s especially hard for you when you don’t have that bottle to suck on.

Mommy needs you to try harder:

The thing is mommy is a single mom. There’s no other person who can take over bed routines for you. So, mommy needs you to try harder at winding yourself down.

You love sensory bottles.

Why don’t you love looking at them at bed time?

You love reading with mommy.

Why can’t you focus when we read right before bed time?

You love mommy singing your favorite nursery rhymes.

Why can’t you drift off to sleep listening to it?

Mommy feels guilty for asking you to go to sleep:

If there’s one thing mommy would change about your childhood, it would be to stop feeling guilty for demanding you to go to sleep.

After you go to sleep, mommy feels the creepy presence of that “guilt” monster. It perches itself on mommy’s desk while mommy bangs away on the keyboard.

Banish you, you, filthy, scum, guilt, you!

Anyone wants some coffee?

I’m going to make myself a cup.

Looks like we finally have a winner here.

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@allexx54 unsplash.com

About the Author

Jun Wu is a Content Writer for Technology, AI, Data Science, Psychology, and Parenting. She has a background in programming and statistics. On her spare time, she writes poetry and blogs on her parenting website: wellplayedchild.com

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Writer, Technologist: Tech|Future|Leadership (Forbes-AI, Behind the Code)

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