You shouldn’t blame yourself for wanting to keep your marriage together. Any sane woman with two babies would do the same thing. This process takes time. It’s hard to see the truth when you were in a state of shock which is what I think you were. Accepting the truth is a process that takes a while. You are not the only one. It took me literally 10+ years to admit that my father was not a good guy who not only condoned abuse but also thought it was actually a necessary process to bring up a child of achievement. So… kudos to you for moving on and not dwelling in your husband’s addictions.